There are two types of people in the world, those that hate meetings, and those who love cold pizza.
Finally a place where you can enjoy both:
INTRODUCTION MEETING:
Everybody remembers their first meeting, especially those of you with ethnic or unusual names. Most likely you were introduced to the rest of the team at one of these. This is an exciting meeting, one of the few genuinely exciting meetings that exist. For me, this is where non-Pakistani’s get to fuck up the pronounciation of all my names.
We're going to have to call you Steve..
Sit back and enjoy your “Introduction Meeting” you will only get one. People will make awkward comments about you to help you fit in, some may boldly attempt humour, everyone will forget you immediately until the “WTF Do You Do Here Meeting?”.
I-KNOW-HOW-TO-USE-POWERPOINT MEETING:
Every organization hires one person who either wrote or gets some usage royalties from Microsoft PowerPoint. These people have mastered the art of deliberately ignoring design, spatial awareness, colour, form and function. As if sitting through a mind numbing 2 hour ordeal wasn’t enough, they also have print-outs. Of the Presentation that you just sat through. For 2 hours. Fucking print outs! This person also has ugly children.
Fuck you and the .ppt you rode in on.
CATCHPHRASE-MEETING:
There used to be this brilliant game show on ITV called Catchphrase. An Irish Comedian named Roy Walker hosted it. The concept was the unholy bastard child of Pictionary and some Atari game but the graphics were so remarkably shit, it was amazing.
Keep pressing and guessing!
This show has inspired anyone with senior management aspirations to stock up on a library of catchphrases that can be whipped out at short notice usually under adverse business conditions in front of the entire organization. “So we must simply sail on, in turbulent waters, with our sails flapping in the storm, battoning down the hatches and readying life-rafts.”
You’re so close but you’re just not right.
WHO’S-MEETING-IS-IT-ANYWAY MEETING:
Meetings are only ever useful if there is something that you can leave with that you didn’t have when you walked in. That could be a task that needs to be done, an idea that was created, closure on an issue or even an insight. The best way to accomplish that is to have some structure. Nobody ever wants to sit in a room full of people that they are contractually obliged to interact with and think “Why does this entire room smell like feet and ass”. Usually, if there is no meeting agenda it means you have been granted explicit permission to completely ignore the meeting and the douche trying to run it.
I'd like to communicate the new HR policies in song...
Not in some subtle day dreaming way, no fuck that. You can send emails from your blackberry or practice pen twirling. You get bonus points for having a conversation with the person next to you if you make no attempt to lower your voice. If refreshments are offered in this meeting, goddamn it - its time to eat. . Which brings us nicely to…
PROFESSIONALLY-CATERED MEETING:
There is no such thing as a free lunch. There is no such thing as an incredibly exciting meeting. Bullshit. That was until the Professionally Catered Meeting. This meeting is equal parts genius as it is evil. Some cold fingered wizard sat in his ivory tower and conjured up a guaranteed way to get droves of people to attend meetings. Catered Professionally. When I hear ‘catered professionally’ I think of weddings, parties, usually fun laced events. What kind of satanic mind-fuckery makes even the most cynical Web Developer’s eyes glaze over, as he starts shuffling mindlessly to a large conference room.
why is the pasta so fucking COLD!?
This type of meeting requires a very specific etiquette, establish quickly that the line can be floated up and down depending on shit that’s missing on your plate, pick your food using your hands and try to agitate foods that belong to the sandwich family, load up your plate with a variety of things that you may or may not like and retreat to the back of the room. The whole time make awkward comments to others with a stupid i-can’t-believe-i-am-eating-for-free look on your face such as “Mustard, did they put mustard in every one of these?” laugh through your nose as most likely you will have smelly noon breath.
OPEN MIC MEETING:
In a desperate bid to make meetings tolerable there is a school of thought that suggests injecting a little humour into everyday corporate life including meetings. Don’t fucking do it. If you are funny on purpose (this is a critical point) your humour will be wasted at work. People may smile, some may chuckle, however strong the temptation, just don’t. After the age of about 23 people at work are generally there because if they don’t work they will be homeless.
Maude fucking hates your jokes... all of them
Nothing is more annoying for an adult whose livelihood depends on sharing close space with you for 8 hours a day than to listen to your bullshit. You could be Chris Rock, but get this; you are still at work. Yes Fucking way! Think of the funniest joke you ever heard in your life. Now, imagine after the punchline the person telling you that joke swivelling their chair back around to resume work. It’s a sad, cold, lonely and devastating scenario. Not to be discouraged, and as the title suggests there are some people that just will not be silenced.
The scenario goes something like this. People all gather in meeting room. Douche makes a joke about size of room. Someone shows up late. Douche makes a joke about the time. Technical difficulties begin. Douche makes a joke about technology. Technical difficulties resume. Awkward comment about marital issues at Douche’s home. Technical problems conclude. Douche resorts to handing out print outs of the powerpoint.
Look, just don’t try to be funny at work its annoying.
I’ve started it off, feel free to add to this list. I will update it as I can.